"YOU ARE THE UNPUBLISHED LINER NOTES" for Dutch Missionary Records Vol. 1 v.1.1 Incest. A pretty word to describe an ugly act. Certainly no way to run a family. But is it a way to run a record label? That is the central question that animates the story of Dutch Missionary Records, the scrappy DIY indie label whose only stipulation on who they would release was that any new band must share at least one member with a previously released band. The question looms: how then was there ever a first band? The story must begin with Alternabride Magazine, whose eponymous song opens this collection. Dutch Missionary label founder and head Milo Cantos went to a show by Alternabride Magazine one night and fell in love. Knowing nothing of the record business, he was nonetheless seized by a desire to get this music out there, if no one else would. After confirming with the band that no one else would, he impulsively decided to found Dutch Missionary Records. He managed to enlist college friend Patrick Keller --at the time on hiatus from his work with the Brothers K and Abeeba-- to produce, and Alternabride Magazine's single, "Alternabride Magazine" was the label's first release. The band broke up shortly after, but not before recording one of the label's biggest hits, "Pet Store". Given to alternate bouts of lasciviousness and awkwardness, Alternabride mastermind Alexander Notoronsky, a devotee of Jarvis Cocker and Elvis Costello, was a troubled graduate student who later revealed that the group's signature song was really just about a yearning to have a female keyboard player. Frustrated in his effort to find his dream bandmate, Notoronski was easy prey for someone looking to form another band, and that man was Milo Cantos. At the AB's farewell gig, Cantos--seeing an opportunity to indulge his legendary ego-- invented the famous incest policy on the spot before the band could finish packing up their equipment, managing to retain Notoronsky for his own spontaneously concocted glamour project, The Alligator Tears. With Cantos on vocals, Notoronsky and Peter L. on guitar, Brian Martin on bass , and Kyle Tudor on drums padding out the band, the Tears' garagey sneer became a mainstay for the label, and the label head's membership virtually guaranteed that they could always secure release. The first of such releases was the stumbling political number, "Babykisser". It would not be their last. For example, they also recorded and released "Yes No Let Go". Cantos had long wanted to be embroiled in the creative process, but lacking the ability to play any instruments himself, nor the patience to write a novel, he had contented himself by engaging a series of failed promotional ventures, peddling the work of others. With The 'Tears, and Dutch Missionary Records, he saw a chance to participate in the ephemeral sonic culture as more than just a spectator. His loves were hoarse singing and garage rock, and his great lament was that vintage organs were so hard to find. At one point, he went around claiming that '96 Tears' was the single most important song ever recorded, and that his own band derived their name as a reference to it, which was patently untrue. The signature 'Tears sound was crafted by engineer Keller by opposing Cantos's croons and howls against two rhythm guitars with no lead. After three rhythm guitars were used simultaneously by the Ice-Nines on their cover of "Bake Sale For A Bomber" and "Evil Princess" from the venerable-if-short-lived Palo Alto band, the Slaughterhouse V which they cryptically redubbed "Hey Sarge!" (a track on which Keller sang, along with sac'd vocalist Mark St. John, whose contribution was edited down to a single line), Cantos rearranged the 'Tears into the Shrapnelles (originally planned to be an indie-doo-wop group), which featured four guitars playing simultaneously, thus achieving a fleeting victory in the rhythm guitar cold war with his own producer. Cantos also recorded a cover of Bjork's "Army of Me" with another reconfigured version of the 'Tears, this time dubbed The Broken Dials, which featured the keyboards and synth sequences of Anthony Quail, who would later go on to be part of the indie dub duo Destruya. The track was intended as an entry to a remix/cover contest, and Cantos had hopes that it might bring attention to the fledging label, but alas, due to time zone differences, the entry came in too late. In the meantime, Alternabride drummer Kyle Tudor surprised Cantos by returning and holding him to his incest policy, forcing the release of "On The Wreck" by The Glottal Stops. The three piece also introduced another key Dutch Missionary player, Graham Coppers, a frustrated and world-tormented guitarist turned vocalist. Coppers had a bad habit of falling in love quickly and dashing his heart to pieces. He worked as a manager in one of the last few photomats available in orange county, and was given to bitter jags that betrayed rather than subverted his buried romanticism. Coppers also had another group, The Coins, in which he played rhythm guitar while allowing Mark Cohen to play lead, and it was with that group that he recorded "My Best Friend's Former Girl" (or "Biffig" as it came to be known), apparently written by reversing the chords to The Cars' "My Best Friend's Girlfriend". The idea, it was said, was to give an anthem to a very specific and highly conflicted group of young lovers. In a short time, Coppers abdicated the vocal duties to pretty-boy newcomer Dirk Hammet, replaced Cohen as lead guitarist, and brought in his high school friends from New Mexico, the Lazlo brothers, to play rhythm guitar and organ. The group was redubbed The Running Relapses from Judgment, NM, and "Runaway" was their first song, the label's most popular track to date. Coppers's power plays had destabilized the band, and after a terrible fight, the band sided with Hammet against Coppers, and he was ejected from the band, along with rhythm guitarist Jerry Lazlo who had defended him. The band now re-named itself "Der Swain!" and issued the lovesick indiepop gem "Autumn Square" based off of a newspaper story that Dirk had read. Not to be defeated, Coppers formed The Last Lines, with Jerry Lazlo on rhythm guitar, Stephen H. on drums, Charles "Oatmeal Stout" Oatman on bass, and retaining the rights of vocals and lead guitar for himself. They issued the song "the Last Line" as a veiled vent of vitriol against Dirk and the Swain. All was not rancor within the label, however. Cantos convinced his idols, the neuvo-roots minimalist duo The Capricornicopollas--featuring twin brothers Daniel and Calvin Grade on guitar and bass respectively--to record a track for Dutch Missionary Records. In order to get around the 'incest' stipulation, Cantos himself played drums on the track, and "the Two Halves of My Heart" became one of the label's most beloved tracks. This compilation ends with another intra-label favorite, "The Tiniest Lumberjack", played by the cryptically named supergroup "Those Headhunters", comprised of gentle-singing bass playing Calvin Grade from the Capricoricopollas on vocals, Graham Coppers of The Coins, Alex Notoronski of Alternabride, and Jerry Lazlo of The Last Lines all playing guitar, and Cantos and Keller providing the stomps and claps. Though underappreciated outside of the label's offices, the song offers the beguiling thought that perhaps the Tiniest Lumberjack will return home from the sea with enough money to finance the release of the label's second compilation, tentatively titled, "Alright, perhaps that was an unkind word . . . unwashed . . . " Until next volume. pre-credits CONFESSION: This is all my work. As much as I wanted this album to come across as a label comp of a scrappy DIY-indie-garage outfit, from its black and white packaging to its rescued-and-remastered-but-we-can-only-do-so-much-with-these-tapes liner notes, its feelings would be hurt if you actually mistook it for another forgettable compilation of a small label you've never heard of; in actuality, it's another possibly forgettable album by a small-time musician you've never heard of. CREDITS all songs written by Patrick Keller, except 05 by Bjork, and 13 by The Slaughterhouse Five. guitar, bass, organ, programming, sequencing, triggering, partridge, pear tree: Patrick Keller recorded 2004-2005, Irvine, CA by somebody, then mastered on Olivia at the Late News Desk cover art "Tiny #2", sleeve design, photography, by one design-minded mofo. Listening to track #7 will at least provide you with the genetic material necessary to have a 'tiny', if you're lucky and a mad scientist. lyrics & tabs available on the Dutch Missionary website because someone covering these songs and/or singing along would be keen. www.franzkeller.com/dutchmissionary/dmr1.html YOU ARE THE 'THANK YOU'd' MASSES, let me shake your hands: Mia, Franz, Em, my folks, Jeff, Joe, Tom, Ezra, Sebastian, Shemida, Will, amici non nominati, all Bros K fans domestic and abroad, and if you heard a song and told me you liked it and it ended up here, thanks SHOUT OUTS: the LA Riots, the Mae Shi, the Bachs, Helicopter Kick, the Flesh Godz, the Iron Monkeys, the Robot Ate Me, The Stairs, Messthetics records, The Saturnines, The Brothers K, The Beat Conflicts Thanks for visiting this page and reading all of this. Remember: "The revolution will not be televised, but it will likely involve the internet and home recording in some sort of way."