Dutch Missionary Records is nothing if not devoted to making music portable and democratic, therefore, we're freely giving you, the fan, the means to reproduce the music in 'extreme analog' using THE OFFICIAL GUITAR TABS FOR "YOU ARE THE UNAWASHED MASSES" Dutch Missionary Records vol.1 all lyrics and music by Patrick Keller, 2005, transcribed by the same. so don't say we've never done nuthin for you. -------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- ALTERNABRIDE MAGAZINE / Alternabride Magazine F G After much consideration C we'll give you a try F G Here's your shot kid, C don't screw it up! F G Read over the manual, C especially on the dress code F G it'll tell you what you need C to assume your position . . . chorus: F G Alternabride magazine! C F waits for your submission F G C Please be on my des by four . . . F G Alternabride magazine! C F waits for your submission F G C Please be on my des by four . . . F G You'll have to look your best C F if you want to meet our clients F G C I can't be seen with a slob . . . F G And about the pleated skirt C F I'm afraid that it's required F G it's a necessary part C of your job . . . chorus ". . . be waiting on my desk . . . on all 1,2,3,4's!" instrumental break (same chords) F G We haven't filled the slot C F since the day you left us F G All those photographs C messed with my mind . . . F G But I promise if you come back C F I'll look, but I won't touch now F G and you can cancell your subscription C to your boyfriend any time chorus -------------------------------------------------- BABYKISSER / The Alligator Tears F You are the unwashed masses, Dm Let me shake your hand F You are the unwashed masses, Bbm If you put me in office I'll make it much better Bb C If you want a ride F Bb Then let me put my hand inside Bb C F Your pocket, and then we're ready to go F . . . Bb . . . F . . . Bb F . . . Bbm . . . F . . . Bbm (ooohooo, give me your fuckin vote) F You are the unwashed masses, Dm and I know you don't like them F But if _ you come in closer Bbm we can do it together, I know we can both win! Bb C If you want real change F Bb you gotta get with a man who's more Bb C than a little bit deranged . . . F And let me pour . . . Bb I've got my hand in your pocket C F now we can go (see you four years, motherfathers) -------------------------------------------------- RUNAWAY / The Running Relapses from Judgment, NM A Let's run away from the sadness of tomorrow F#m and the pain and loneliness D E that is my life today A Let's run away you don't have to tell your parents F#m when we go they've grown too old, D E how could they even know? F#m E I wanna leave myself behind D but I got a lot of indecision F#m E D but I know I wanna be with you F#m E Please get the motor running D F#m and I swear I'll take the wheel E Let's hit the road, the world is new A Let's run away and I'll tell you that I love you F#m every hour D I'll stop the bike in the mountains E A and pick a wild flower for you, you can wear it in your hair F# it's always june D And we can embarass the sun E (F#m) and make faces at the moon F#m E I've said my goodbyes now, D F#m and now my duffel bag is packed E D so tell me: how long's it going to be? F#m E Till we're on the road D riding my motorcycle F#m E with your arms wrapped around me A Let's run away we can hop a ship that's going F#m to the west D and if you packed your swimsuit E A then I know I'll be impressed by you, cause even though you're beautiful F#m you are still cool D cause you'll let me talk about records E (F#m) until the moon is blue F#m E I know we been friends for years D but how much do you know about me? F#m E D You didn't guess the torment I go through F#m E You say that's not attractive D F#m and we're better off as friends, E well we've got time, that tea will brew D E I've been stuck on you A D since the first night that we met D E you looked smokin' in your dress A D standing thin as a cigarette D E But I knew you were beyond me A D and I always must pretend D E to be happy just to know you A D and only be your friend E and I tried . . . I went to war with my insides A If you ran away from me I wouldn't try to stop you F#m you can go D but I'd keep on thinkin' about you E A even though you're miles below and you'll go home and I'm sorry that I know F#m what you'll become: D the high priestess of the chapel E F#m of the things I'm running from E D You're a daughter of the E A world I'm running from -------------------------------------------------- CAROLINE MAYBE / The Shrapnelles C Am C oh caroline, why you wanna tell me lies? C when you know your eyes Am G are only going to tell me the truth? F G You run around town with that other guy F G when the only thing i don't know F G C is why . . . I let you make me blue . . . F G Do you love me, Caroline Maybe? Am you say yes I am C Am C You've got your name spread around town C Am G and it kills me that everyone knows what it means F G You say yes to them, but maybe to me F G And I cry inside and wait patiently F for the day G C when you'll say it's just me and you F G Do you love me, Caroline Maybe? Am G C you say yes I am [instrumental break] . . . Am A D Bm D I know you never said that you would never change D Bm A and I know you never said that you'd never cut your hair G A You break my heart and you don't even try G A I know I said it's sad to see a sweet thing die G A D But you're not dying! You've only become untrue . . . G A Do you love me Caroline Maybe? Bm B you say yes I am E C#m E Oh, Caroline, I think this is the last! E C#m B moment of our past, because that's it, we're through A B When you see me on the street you won't recognize A B and I'll try to keep the tears out my eyes A B E because I never really saw you A B I'll say "Are you Caroline Maybe?" C#m B You say, "Yes I do." A B I said I love you Caroline Maybe E and I know you do (I don't) you do (I don't) etc. -------------------------------------------------- ARMY OF ME (lryics by Bjork) / The Broken Dials extrappolated guitar tab by Pat K. verse: [bassline: A C A A* G A C A A] Am chorus: [bassline: D C# C] D E F#m D Am Stand up You've got to manage I won't sympathize Anymore D E And if you complain once more F#m E You'll meet an army of me Am You're alright There's nothing wrong Self-sufficience please! And get to work D E And if you complain once more F#m E You'll meet an army of me Am You're on your own now We won't save you Your rescue-squad Is too exhausted D E And if you complain once more F#m E You'll meet an army of me -------------------------------------------------- ON THE WRECK / The Glottal Stops Wrapped a type-a-writer ribbon 'round my kneck x 4 We are too far gone, and too far in between we'll never see the cities that we came from We are too far gone, and too far in between we're like lanterns hanging in the marsh in the dark we can still like lamp-posts in the park A (C#m) (A) (C#m) We're on the wreck, we're on wheels, we're on the phone A (C#m) (A) (C#m) Can I see you little girl when you're all alone D A But you're not home when I get there D A You wouldn't answer me anyway A (C#m) (A) (C#m) If you get into my car I'll take you anywhere you like A (C#m) A (C#m) we can keep starlight between us if you'll dance with me tonight D A It's alright if you can stay D just promise that you'll come back and see me A On the wreck D I call my life A I can get together D what I need A You could be the captain D I will be the captain's wife A just don't leave me in the cabin D A when you go sailing out to sea! A (C#m) (A) (C#m) So I said I was a werewolf, you shouldn't be so scared A (C#m) (A) (C#m) here's a pistol, here's a bullet, look it's silver, you're prepared D A I only dared to tell you this . . . D A because I think your special, and you're worth any risk A (C#m) A (C#m) If you said you were a vampire, I don't think I'd be scared A (C#m) (A) (C#m) I like every single kind of love except the unaware D A It's not fair . . . that you don't know D but I promise that I'll teach you, if you come out A and see me, frequently, you'll love it here, believe me A On the wreck D I call my life A I can get together D what I need A You could be the captain D I will be the captain's wife A just don't leave me in the cabin D A when you go sailing out to sea. A (C#m) (A) (C#m) He's not your older brother and he couldn't be your friend A (C#m) (A) (C#m) I could say I'm happy for you but I know that's just pretend D Is this the end? A of my fantasy D But I'll keep dancin' . . . A with your memory A (C#m) (A) (C#m) He looks like he's got muscles, and could probably lift a tune A (C#m) (A) (C#m) but in this soloar eclipse, I'm the sun and he's the moon D A It's too soon . . . for you to say D A that you think you like him better when you've never heard me play -------------------------------------------------- PET STORE / Alternabride Magazine F# Come down to my petstore C#m and you'll like what you see A there's two rabits in the front window that look like _ you and F# me / they don't care who is watching C#m they do what they like A and I'd like to do what they are doing F# F#m if you would come with me tonight Bm E A I haven't lived all around the world Bm E A I've only seen the corners of my mind Bm E A But take a trip inside my inner world Bm F# you never know what you might see F# Come down to my office C#m and you can read the fax A you can look at the stars through the conference window while you are _ lying on your back F# on the conference table C#m then we'll tour the floor A Oh get down on your hands and knees, girl F# F#m then we might find _ what we're looking for chorus B F# Down the corner from my reason Ebm A# there's a shop where I collect me thoughts of me and you B We've got tigers for sale, F# we've got a killer whale Ebm A# and a unicorn that I'd set free for you B F# It was wrong to keep them captive Ebm A# but I confess: we didn't have a home . . . B until you walked in through the door F# then I said, "I'll search no more . . . Ebm cause you're the girl who will A# set my monsters free!" F# Come down to my library C#m lick your fingers with your tongue A and turn some pages while my hands go sliding up while you're on the top F# wrung / of a rolling ladder C#m you'll be glad you did A cause you've got a taste for arcane knowledge F# F#m and I happen to know where it's hid Bm E A There was something written on my hand, Bm E A it said 'I know more than the man on the street' Bm E But I haven't really Been around A so let me get my camera out Bm F# and show me some teeth Bm E A I haven't really lived all around the world Bm E A but I want to Know what's on your mind . . . Bm E A Imagine if we put our stock together, let our tigers breed Bm F# what we might find F# So I step inside your waiting room C#m G# . . . A . . . G# then I take my time . . . -------------------------------------------------- BIFFIG / The Coins B A E You went out with my bestfriend B A E but then you say no to me B A E You said it would be too weird B A E and I said, "Wait and see" chorus: A B Maybe you don't want to be happy E A Maybe you just like to be sad A B A best friend's former girl was the E B A E B A best I ever had B A E You said it wouldn't be friendly B A E and I said, "That's alright with me" B A E And if he's so prone to envy B A E then why'd be ever set you free? chorus: A B oh girl, I just want you to be happy E A I don't want to feel so bad A B a best friend's former girl was the E B A E B A best I ever had break: A You got my mind going E like a pinball, baby A I don't know which bumper F# B it's going to hit B A E There's so many things I wanna tell you, B A E like where I wanna take you out B A E After so many hours of conversation, B A E it's something we never talked about chorus: A B I promise that I'll make you happy E A if you let me take a stab A B I think that you're the best thing E B A E B A that I'm ever gonna have break: A You got my tongue tied E like a slipknot, baby A And only your kiss can F# B be set me free B A E The last verse of our little story B A E is how you finally said you would B A E I can't tell you just what you said B A E . . . maybe you can help me. A B E A . . . . . . . . . A B my best friend's former girl is the E best I ever had -------------------------------------------------- AUTUMN SQUARE / Der Swain! intro: A C B X4 A (removing the bar) x4 A D Autumn square A E Autumn square A I said let's meet at midnight D E and you promised to be there D A I know my hands were shakin' D A and it wasn't from the cold D A I thought that if you kissed me E I might cry D E But at twelve forty five A D I said, "I got the point" D and I cursed you E A cause I really thought you'd show A D Autumn square A E Autumn square A I said let's meet at midnight D E and you promised to be there D A I said I would stop writing love songs D A and try to concentrate D but what you did A E made me break my word D E You always were a good friend A D tried _ to keep me right on track D E but I thought you'd make a lover A out of me E A I took the long way home E A just to kill the chance E A cause I didn't want to see you D E anymore . . . D E I read it in the next day's paper, A D then I tore it up D I know I would have E A found you where you fell A D Autumn square A E Autumn square A I said let's meet at midnight D E and you promised to be there D A My new girlfriend don't like it D A when I sing your song D But that's okay, I don't care A E now that you are gone D E I could tell you that I loved you A D but I never got that far D E A I've always wondered what you would say Bm if you had made it A to autumn square Bm D Dm A -------------------------------------------------- YES NO LET GO / The Alligator Tears Eb You're pretty good lookin' . . . Ab But you read too much Eb And if you're so smart . . . A# (A) Why didn't you see this comin'? G# You cut with safety scissors Eb in your padded room G# A# And you always cut along the lines . . . Eb Well I'm not tellin' you to be what you aint G# G#m But when we get together you show too much restraint! Eb A# Eb C'mon, c'mon, let go chorus: G# Let go Eb girl, let go G# A# If you don't change you should know Eb that I'll let go Eb You switched to magazines Ab and you wrote notes in the margins Eb And you raised your skirts A# (A) about half an inch . . . G# Eb You cut your hair the way I wanted G# A# But then you really crossed the line Eb I wanted you to advance but your queen took my rook G# G#m I wanted a light, but you struck the whole book Eb A# Eb Yes or no, yes or no, should I let go? chorus: G# Yes or no (yes yes yes yes yes) Eb Yes or no (no no no no no) G# A# Eb I wish someone would tell me which way . . . to go break: B C# D# What are you talkin' about? B C# D# A guy you met at the show? B Does he want you more-- C# D# C# B well I hope so F# But before you leave before you leave G# A# there's one thing you should know: Eb When I found you you'd never been kissed G# but if you leave now, girl, G#m you won't be missed Eb A# Eb come on, come on, come on, come on, let go chorus: G# Let me go . . . (yes yes yes yes yes) Eb Let me go . . . (no no no no no) G# A# Eb I don't wanna be with you no more Eb He's pretty good lookin' . . . Ab But he talks too much Eb And if he're so cool . . . A# Why did you call me number G# Eb I found a girl who looks just like you G# A# At least the way you used to be . . . Eb You used to be innocent, quiet, and sweet G# G#m oh Why'd ever wannna go and listen to me? Eb Come on G# A# Eb I did you wrong, I know it now that I'm alone G# A# Eb Put on your old dress so I can see G# A# And I gotta know girl: G# Are you saying yes to him A# Eb or are you saying no to me Eb . . . C# D Eb Eb . . . F E Eb Eb . . . C# D Eb -------------------------------------------------- THE LAST LINE / The Last Lines verse: C If you say no Em I promise not to slander you F to my friends C but if you don't know Em I'd like you to be F my girlfriend chorus: F You probably think you're worth more than _ two or three chords G and if you say 'yes' I might agree F But if you say no to me you'll just become a memory G oh yeah, C C7 I guess we're still friends verse, chorus guitar solo over verse, chorus -------------------------------------------------- THE TWO HALVES OF MY HEART / The Capricornicopollas G I don't know if you still want me G D but I know that I want you still G and if you got some papers C that you want me to sign D I'll be swinging from our tree G up on the hill G The two halves of my heart they were a handshake G but you've gone and turned those D hands to fists G C And I cried so much it filled my inkwell D and I drew a line across my wrist G When I saw him in the city I knew he was the one you kissed C I challenged him to a contest G he can't resist D but you're leaving with me C G cause I've got the bigger fist! G He thought that he could beat me in a race cause he's got speed C But when you've got stamina like mine, G honey, there's no need D Come back to our tree C and stop messin' with that weed G The three chords of my song they were united G D and we sang in perfect harmony G C till an artless baritone invaded D in my song I wrote for two G but not for three G I don't know if you still want me G D but I know that I want you still G C and if you got a wedding invitation for me D I'll be swinging from our tree G up on the hill G I'd write you a thousand sonnets if you would come back to me C I'd compare you to the sun G or an apple hangin' from our tree D C Let's study romantic poems and forget history! G If you would be my woman again I'd be a better man C I'd do all those things that G you always said that i can D and if you don't like it, C G I can go back again G cause I don't know if you still want me G D but I know that I want you still G C and if you got a wedding invitation for me D I'll be swinging from our tree G up on the hill G When I first saw you, I thought you were the one and I thought I was a lucky guy C I thought you were the prettiest girl I'd ever seen G but that was a trick of the eye D I didn't know then C G you would only give me tears to cry G I don't know if you still want me G D but I know that I want you still G and if you got some papers C that you want me to sign D I'll be swinging from our tree G up on the hill G So I don't know if I still want you G D but I think that you're leaving would be best G Oh, you thought that it would be fun C to shatter my heart D Em but the two halves still are lying in my chest C (side by side like we used to do) C D G the two halves of my heart are in my chest -------------------------------------------------- HEY SARGE! ("Bake Sale For A Bomber" and "Evil Princess" by The Slaughterhouse Five) / The Ice Nines (lyrics and tabs as they are likely misunderstood by Pat Keller) (Bake Sale For A Bomber) intro Bm E then E Bm A Next time I get a chance F# when it all comes down Bm I try to make my head hurt E not any way A Rule of the game F# when it all falls down Bm I try to use to anyone E who comes my way D E And though my heart is hard to break D F# and when your life is on your plate and when I say to another person G I didn't want to say it I didn't want to go there I didn't want to go now D I didn't want to go here (D) F#m And what was stollen Bm E will never be replaced reprise intro A First time I got a chance F# when I felt my own intentions Bm E leaving for another place A And it was time F# when it all comes down Bm not trying to make my head hurt E not any day D E And though your heart is hard to break D F# and though the safe is hard to break when I say to G I didn't want to go for I didn't want to go there I didn't want to want say it D I didn't want to go here (D) F#m And what was stollen Bm will never be replaced C Until my own I get there someday G I didn't want to go here (Evil Princess) G C Where in the world did you come from D I need time G C Waiting around here for far too long now D and the worst is done Em C Photographs in love G thought about it on the long drive home Em C What about your money? G (Em) and you said, "We'll take it for a little spin" Em C Who could pass you up? G Couldn't ask you for the short ride home (and I think you know what that means) Em C What about the love? C D G I'm still taking rides for you G C Where in the world do you belong D anywhere G C Making an offer can take a long time D and the work is hard Em C And I'm afraid to follow, G (Em) coulda takin' you out so cold Em C My friends don't hollar G (Em) and you said, you been looking for a team to tune Em C Photographs in love, G (Em) thought about it on the long ride home Em C What about the money? C D G I'm still taking rides from you G G# A break: A C G G G# A Still making the same mistakes that I had made A C G G G# A a million times before I came here A C G G G# A Now I see my future and its looking up A C G Em D I can finally wait with your home Am Bm C I can't believe I think you're something I can't have Am Bm C To be defeated by a shadow in the dark Am Bm C I save my heart for me and looking up Am Bm I think I'm in your rectory C D G I'm still waiting around for you. C D G I'm still waiting around for you. C D Em I'm still waiting around for my evil prinecss. (outrow, with the chords of the SV's "Completely Giving") A C#m F#m D Slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse . . . five A C#m F#m D Slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse . . . five A C#m F#m D Slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse . . . five A C#m F#m Slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse, slaughterhouse . . . D E A Oh slaughterhouse, we love you -------------------------------------------------- THE TINIEST LUMBERJACK / Those Headhunters (free strumming, essentially a G) pattern: g g g e f# e b d The tiniest lumberjack went to sea he didn't know if we wanted to cut down that tree He didn't know where he wanted to live . . . and he didn't know any young girl that he wanted to make his bride th' end